Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Skin I'm In

As I was getting dressed for work this morning I heard that nagging voice in my head that I sometimes hear when I am getting dressed. That raspy voice like fingernails dragging across my third grade classroom chalkboard, that voice with the morning breath that blows smoke rings in my face. I think that voice must come attached to the Double-X Chromosome because every woman I know occasionally hears this voice. This morning that voice was telling me that I am too fat to wear the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery that I wanted to wear to work today. Never mind feeling how lucky I am to work someplace fun and hip where I could even think about wearing something like that...I just reached for it in my closet and that voice cackled "you're too fat to wear it." As someone who goes around telling women that they don't have to lose weight to be beautiful and that every body is a good body, I find it hard to admit that I have this destructive voice in my head and yet truthfully I do.

When I look in the mirror I really do like what I see. I think that a soft round body is beautiful and I have no desire to have a flat stomach but I am feeling a bit pudgier than I am comfortable being and I haven't done any yoga postures for a few days. I don't want to go to a gym so I choose to exercise in my living room. It's not that I would feel more comfortable going to the gym if there were heavier people teaching some of the classes because really I don't care who is teaching the classes I just hate going to the gym. That's why I do yoga at home. That and I love to walk around the lake near my house but I haven't done either...not for weeks.

Overall I believe in the wisdom of Health at Every Size (HAES). Also, it is easier and more fun to exercise if you already feel good about yourself. It is much harder to be motivated to do things that are good for you if you hate yourself and think that there is no point because no matter what you are still fat and so why bother?

I was reading Kate Harding's blog Shapely Prose and she recently posted a really insightful piece called "Dumb Luck" about women and self-esteem, body image and finding love. Some of the responses made me cry. She really touched a raw nerve. Women already doubt our attractiveness no matter how beautiful we may be and yet if you add the element of weight then it's enough of a reason to not enjoy life. I have used my weight as a reason to stay home from a party that I was already dressed for; to cancel vacation plans; to not look in mirrors.

So anyway, I put on the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery (with very dark blue jeans and red hem) and I feel great. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Know what I'm saying, dude?


Anonymous said...

I go through that, on a daily basis, at least once a day, and then I find that I snap out of it eventually, but at least once a day, definitely. I find that too, faking it until one makes it. It's like smiling when things are crap, it can alter the moment. A smile develops an alternative state of mind, that's more positive. I got myself a pedometer the other day, so I'm going to settle back into walking. I don't think I can enter a gym without having an anxiety attack.

Anonymous said...

Awesome thoughts!
Thank you for putting it out there.