The Skin I'm In

As I was getting dressed for work this morning I heard that nagging voice in my head that I sometimes hear when I am getting dressed. That raspy voice like fingernails dragging across my third grade classroom chalkboard, that voice with the morning breath that blows smoke rings in my face. I think that voice must come attached to the Double-X Chromosome because every woman I know occasionally hears this voice. This morning that voice was telling me that I am too fat to wear the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery that I wanted to wear to work today. Never mind feeling how lucky I am to work someplace fun and hip where I could even think about wearing something like that...I just reached for it in my closet and that voice cackled "you're too fat to wear it." As someone who goes around telling women that they don't have to lose weight to be beautiful and that every body is a good body, I find it hard to admit that I have this destructive voice in my head and yet truthfully I do.

When I look in the mirror I really do like what I see. I think that a soft round body is beautiful and I have no desire to have a flat stomach but I am feeling a bit pudgier than I am comfortable being and I haven't done any yoga postures for a few days. I don't want to go to a gym so I choose to exercise in my living room. It's not that I would feel more comfortable going to the gym if there were heavier people teaching some of the classes because really I don't care who is teaching the classes I just hate going to the gym. That's why I do yoga at home. That and I love to walk around the lake near my house but I haven't done either...not for weeks.

Overall I believe in the wisdom of Health at Every Size (HAES). Also, it is easier and more fun to exercise if you already feel good about yourself. It is much harder to be motivated to do things that are good for you if you hate yourself and think that there is no point because no matter what you are still fat and so why bother?

I was reading Kate Harding's blog Shapely Prose and she recently posted a really insightful piece called "Dumb Luck" about women and self-esteem, body image and finding love. Some of the responses made me cry. She really touched a raw nerve. Women already doubt our attractiveness no matter how beautiful we may be and yet if you add the element of weight then it's enough of a reason to not enjoy life. I have used my weight as a reason to stay home from a party that I was already dressed for; to cancel vacation plans; to not look in mirrors.

So anyway, I put on the cute top with the multi-colored beads and gold embroidery (with very dark blue jeans and red heels...eh hem) and I feel great. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Know what I'm saying, dude?

Love your Curves and Be Nice

Anastasia, who writes ChaosNoir, recently posted an article cleverly called The Sinisterhood wherein she describes with heartbreaking clarity some of the ways that your best girlfriends don't always want the best for you.

I've never really trusted this idea of "sisterhood." Connecting with another human being and sharing a familiarity and comfort based on intimacy and trust makes sense to me but to expect that someone will relate to you within certain understood parameters based purely on gender seems to me naive and risky.

I was very moved by Anastasia's post while reading about her own experiences in the maternity ward with competitive birthing (soon to be an Olympic event) and I've been thinking of the ways that my own girlfriends over the years have exhibited their sinister side all in the same of sisterhood.

There was the time that a friend and I went to a party together and at the end of the night my friend announced that she "wanted" the guy that had been flirting with me all night so to be fair I shouldn't go out with him. Never mind that she and this guy hadn't even exchanged one word. When I refused she told me that I couldn't be trusted because I didn't honor our sisterhood. Sheesh. Some friend. I thought she was psycho.

But the things that really get to me are when my "sisters" tear each other apart about their body issues. "Have you seen how much weight she's gained?" "I can't believe she's wearing that skirt. I guess she doesn't care if people see her legs." "You know, you could have that removed."

In the name of being supportive we "sisters" create an atmosphere of shame about our bodies. So why would we do this? My theory is that it's competitive behavior. Competing for what? It looks to me like we are still on the playground competing for popularity. Some people just need to ruin someone else's self-esteem in order to feel good about themselves.

I feel the same way about being congratulated for "looking thin." You know what I mean, it's when someone asks if you've lost weight and then adds, "well good for you!" Excuse me but losing weight isn't like earning your Ph.D, or lifting a car off a toddler. As Joy Nash said in her Fat Rant "it's just fat. Get a life."

I think the greatest gift you can give to the world is to have fun. I don't mean just pursue fun...I mean go out and get it. There is enough suffering in the world without you adding to the miasma whining about your thick ankles. You have really cute ankles. Trust me you do. Your butt? There are plenty of butt and thigh men in the world. Take that butt out dancing. Do not wait until you are thinner. Go now.

Have it all, right now.

And while you are it please be nice to the other girls. No matter how thin, or blond, or accomplished they might be...they are just as nervous about being pretty and being liked as you are. Be the one who builds up self-esteem in others and yours will go up too.

Mom, am I pretty?

Where does self-esteem come from and how do you get more? Can you feel better about yourself by thinking happy thoughts and is your low self-esteem your mother's fault?

Recently, Alison Lee posted a comment here saying " Good post! Women suffer from low self esteem due to how they look." Alison then went on to suggest that you, dear reader, visit her blog via the link so handily provided, where you will learn self-esteem by saying some of her affirmations and watching the movie The Secret.

While I appreciate anyone reading my blog and taking the time to comment and I am always happy to have the movie The Secret mentioned, I must say that I disagree with Alison's take on my post and it seems to me that she missed the point.

Perhaps it doesn't really matter if she understands what I am talking about here as it seems that she was just looking for a place to post a link back to her blog but I don't believe, as she said, that women suffer from low self esteem due to how they look. I believe that women are suffering with low self-esteem and poor body image issues because they are being brainwashed by the fashion and diet industries to believe that there is something wrong with the way that they look.

Women are the targets in a consumer driven war and self doubt is the weapon of choice. We are attacked every time we see a billboard, turn on the television, listen to the radio and go to the mall. Why must I be constantly told that I am the "before" picture every time I want to buy a shirt? It's because they want you to stop at the drug store and buy a protein shake for lunch and metabolism pills for dinner.

And about those "before" pictures...have you noticed that those women are getting thinner? Does it really make sense to brag that you used to be a size 10 and now you are a size 4? Does anyone else see that this is insanity? Remember, Marilyn Monroe weighed about 150 lbs and wore a size 14.

This is why I so strongly applaud Dove and their two current size positive and age positive campaigns -- yes, they are marketing their products but they are using real women in all their ads. The ads for The Campaign for Real Beauty and their line of Pro-Age products are using women of various heights, weights and skin color. These women have wide hips, round bellies, big smiles and all are beautiful. In the Pro Age ads they are using women over 50 with white hair, and they are naked! Without digital enhancement Dove is Celebrating every Curve.

Perfection is the inclusion of things, all experiences, all events in your life. Not the exclusion of those things of which you don't approve. Look at yourself in the mirror and praise everything you see that you can find approval for and do it for at least 10 minutes. Even if you are saying the same things over and over.

One day, not too long ago, I was feeling very unhappy about my physical appearance so I decided that to change the way I looked I would change the way I thought about myself. I stood in the mirror, looking myself in the eye and saying out loud what I thought was attractive. When I started I could only get as far as my eyebrows and my lips but I repeated "I like my eyebrows, I like the shape of my mouth, I like the outline of my lips," a few times and then I noticed that my hair looked great so I added "I like my hair." Then I noticed that my shoulders have a very appealing curve so I added "I like my shoulders." I had to move to the full-length mirror because there was so much that was great about me. I loved myself so much after 10 minutes that it was hard to leave the mirror.

So to answer my own questions from the first paragraph I would say that self-esteem comes from yourself and you have a limitless supply of more, thinking happy thoughts will absolutely make you feel happy and while it might be your mother's fault she really did do her best and she has issues of her own so give the gal some credit.

Don Imus fired. Does anyone care?

I have imagined a powerful conversation that might have taken place in the Rutgers locker room that is very different from what I’ve been watching on the Today Show. I imagine Head Coach C. Vivian Stringer has heard that the Rutgers University Scarlet Knight basketball team, her team, is offended and hurt when they hear what Don Imus said. She calls all the young women together for a stern lecture. I imagine her saying, “I hear that some of you are whining about some dumb things that some guy on the radio said. Well cut it out. Some of you are even saying that this dumb cracker stole your joy the morning after your great accomplishment. Well that’s enough. There is no amount of ignorance that can take anything away from you. You are smart, talented, strong, independent, kind young women and you deserve to have it all. Be proud, hold your head up and know that this will not be the last time that this happens. If you fall apart every time someone says something derogatory then you will have to spend time building yourself back up, time better spent doing something you love. If you spend your present reliving the past then the past will dictate your future. Now get out there and play ball.”

I did not listen to the Don Imus show. I was never a fan and I thought him to be an unfunny prejudiced jerk and yet I ask: Will the firing of Don Imus promote literacy and intelligent, educational conversation? Yes, I do understand that words might hurt. The pain may be enormous. Ask any fat kid on the playground and they will tell you. I could tell you. But should Don Imus be fired? Furthermore, does anyone really care that Don Imus got fired or is this all just posturing in a world where being politically correct has destroyed any chance of having an honest conversation about issues that divide people?

I have been hoping that someone would see the humor in this, because surely I am not the only one who found it funny that an old white man would discuss young black women using slang made popular by young black men. It seemed a bit perverted. Such a silly old white man.

I wanted to hear a dialogue with the young women on the Rutgers team that showed how far we have come in terms of how we communicate on issues of race and gender. Yes, racism and sexism exist but are we still having the same argument between villain and victim, the same arguments about inequality between oppressors and oppressed? I hope that we will move beyond this viewpoint toward one where we stand on higher ground. Where is the personal responsibility?

This could have been an opportunity to rise above. In my opinion these young women have been misled to believe that other people have power over them. Unfortunately, they have been guided to cry about being victimized in the face of ignorance. They have been encouraged to meet with Mr. Imus in a grim encounter session where he was expected to grovel and beg forgiveness and they, in turn, told him their names and their educational goals. And how exactly is that going to create awareness on a global scale? Why was it so important to impress Don Imus with the human qualities of the Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team? Especially now if he won’t be allowed to use his impressive forum of millions of listeners to proselytize his new politically-correct sense of humor?

In my imagination they could have instead appeared in a sketch on Saturday Night Live, each of them brilliant, successful, beautiful and completely unaffected by a ridiculous buffoon who only sees their hair and skin – a commedia dell'arte idiot. In my imagination they would have appeared at a press conference and performed a number about how no one will be able to steal their joy or quiet their thunder. That is the lesson that I want our daughters of all races, ethnicities, and religion to learn.

Again I ask: Where is the personal responsibility? A parade of commentators portraying themselves as experts on race relations have flooded the media with cries of victimization when a white man repeats language used regularly in the black community. They are insisting that the record labels and radio stations be held accountable, both for the words of rappers and the market that exists for their product. Why are they not marching at the homes of Ludacris and Snoop Dogg holding them responsible for the prevalence of derogatory language about black women?

There is a strong voice is the size-positive movement to fight “sizeism” and the injustices against fat people perpetuated every day. Sizeism is the last acceptable prejudice in our society. I want all people to be seen as worthwhile and beautiful souls and I want A Celebration of Curves to play a role in that coming to be. And, I absolutely believe that whatever I push against will push back. I do not want to participate in an “anti-sizeist” revolution because I believe that a celebration of size acceptance evolution will create an organic shift in our culture that will last for generations.

There have been many times in my life when I felt really good about myself; because of an accomplishment, because I thought I looked good in a new outfit, because I just felt happy and someone has said to me, “now if only you lost some weight.” Yes, those words hurt. Yes, I have allowed those words to form my opinion about my self worth. I have spent years thinking that I was worthless if I was fat. And I am the only one responsible for that. I can not blame my feeling bad about myself on the guy in the bar who approached me by saying, “Hi, do you know how beautiful you would be if you lost some weight?”

I look in the mirror and I see a beautiful woman. I am responsible for feeling good about myself and the words and opinions of others can not take away my joy. Diet ads that try to convince me that I am the “before” picture can not alter that I am a beautiful, strong, kind and creative woman. I am responsible for my reputation and how others see me.

How about you?